us_bars_groceries_100122.jpg (image)

us_bars_groceries_100122.jpg (image)

way to represent, wisconsin

Letters of Note: You're an idiot of the 33rd degree

Letters of Note: You're an idiot of the 33rd degree

Happy Mother's Day!

SMBC rules again...

Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines

http://www.cracked.com/article_17270_100-unintentionally-hilarious-spam-subject-lines.html

SBRT Day 33-37: Oakland, CA

To our Oakland hosts, Halley, Jamie, and Matt, we graciously bestow the Drink! OK! Award. Within a half hour of being in Oakland we’re 3 Jaeger shots deep and ravenously digging into some Chinese. When we finally make it to the bar, I immediately buy a round of a drink called a Greyhound that comes with about a 6th of a grapefruit. So I’m making great decisions. Steve made it through about half of the drink before he lost focus and started eating the grapefruit slice slowly and sensually, while making extremely awkward eye contact with each of us at the table. Or maybe just me. I dared him to walk up to a random chick in the bar and do the exact same thing, without explanation, but he was juuuust this side of that drunk. Also, there were literally only 2 females in the bar that were not part of our party, and they would not be confused by name with nascent chickens.

The next day should by all rights be consumed with recovery and repentance, but we somehow make it up to go do touristy things. We hit up Twin Peaks for a spectacular view and some super cool jumping pictures, grab a drink and burritos in Haight and Ashbury, freeze our asses off on a beach to get a good view of the Golden Gate Bridge, and pose for pictures to make it look like the bison in Golden Gate Park are our turds. We hit up a beer bar called Zeitgeist that’s basically a Dominik’s for emo bicyclers, then wrap up the night at a divey dance club that probably doesn’t even have a name.

So now we rest, right? Nope. Steve, Halley, Jamie, and Matt go rock climbing, and I and a few other less ambitious individuals hit up a farmer’s market. At the farmer’s market we see some sort of Asian drumming team and a Brazilian dance team, but are let down to find no Afghani awkwardly-hit-on-young-girls team as we were promised by Jamie and Halley. WTF. We meet up with the rock climbing crew, get gussied up, and go to dinner at a family style Italian place. Even though we have 20ish hungry mouths to feed, we order way too much food. We roll to a lounge, but quickly realize that everybody there is having no fun and paying $15 a drink. We backtrack half a block and find an Irish pub that fills our needs and the rest of an awesome night.

OK. It’s Easter Sunday. We’ve been traveling for 35 days and going out all night for 3 in a row. Time to sleep in. OR we could wake up at 8AM and go fishing in the San Francisco Bay. Continuing the trend of bad decisions that turn into great ones, we do it. We hit up Wal-Mart to get one of the guys a new pole. They show me, Steve, and our friend Kobie a cheap pole that they found, suggesting that we buy them for ourselves. We decide to not actually fish, but just ride around in the boat and drink mimosas. Thus, Easter Morning this year was ocean wind in our hair, $4 bottles of champagne made into mimosas in our hands, and the sundrenched San Francisco skyline all around us. Cadbury, you aint got nothin on me.

We don’t catch any fish…of course I didn’t catch any with my bottle of champ, but the guys with poles didn’t have any luck either. It didn’t matter to me though—the day was already one of my favorite of the trip, and it was just reaching noon. When we get back to Halley and Jamie’s, they’ve made a huge brunch: quiche, fruit salad, pancakes, bagels, the works. It’s amazing. Bellies full, hair sunbleached, and lip corners perpetually upturned, we spend the rest of the day lounging and, finally, recovering.

And we needed it—the next morning we hit the road at 5:17AM, in hopes of reaching it to Boulder, CO by 1AM. As I’m writing this, we’ve got one hour left of the 18 hour drive, due to arrive at 12:30AM. Only a couple more nights on the road…goodnight, moon.

Woody Harrelson claims he mistook photographer for zombie - CNN.com

Woody Harrelson claims he mistook photographer for zombie - CNN.com

The best part is "'I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie,' he said."

SBRT Day 28-33: Beverly Hills, CA

After Catalina, Diane drives me up to my brother Trav’s place on the south side of Beverly Hills.  He doesn’t live in Beverly Hills proper, where all the sweet homes of the rich and famous are…he lives in a cool little 2BR with his girlfriend Heather.  Over the 6 days in LA, we hit up an Irish pub, a karaoke bar (where I lay down Danger Zone like a master once again), and a couple other spots.  When we weren’t drinking, we explored the city and saw some sights.  We even got to go to the Paramount Studios lot, where my brother is filming a behind the scenes thing for American Idol.  No big. 

Now we’re up in San Francisco…only a few more stops before the end of the road trip and my youth…

SBRT Day 27-28: Newport Beach & Santa Catalina Island, CA

Steve drops me off at Diane’s work on Friday morning and I take Diane’s car down to the beach.  I walk out on the pier and watch the surfers, take a quick dip in the still-too-cold ocean waters, and buy a frozen banana.  Essentially, the tourist from the midwest thing.  When she gets done with work I pick her up and we go to her friend’s place for a BBQ with ribs that make me want to raise a pig named Ribs that I will one day murder in a spontaneous but long-planned rage of hunger and ecstasy. 

Instead of doing that, I go to Catalina with Diane and Brenna.  Catalina is a small island off the coast near LA, much like Mackinac Island for you Michiganders.  The boat ride is pretty tough being hungover, but nowhere near as bad as the 3 hour boat ride on a 30’ boat on ocean waters in the Galapagos Islands. From that one I still get queasy when I hear Bob Marley music…but that’s another story.  In Catalina we rent a tandem bike and a regular bike and take turns.  After trying out a few combinations of people on the tandem, we determine that I am the only person capable of steering it properly, as evidenced by this video:

[Steve as Guest Writer!] SBRT Day 27-32: Palm Desert and Anaheim

This week was just like the rest of the road trip, except subtract beer, bars, and Baylee, and add popcorn, pepperoni, and a little Asian girl.  To explain, my 14-year-old Asian sister, Teri, who loves popcorn and pepperoni, flew out for her spring break and spent 6 days with me in Palm Desert and Anaheim.  Here is a typical day during this week:

10am: Wake up

Noon: Get out of bed after watching Mighty Ducks

12:30pm: Run 2 or 3 miles with Teri

4pm: Beat Teri in tennis

6pm: Eat until I can’t hardly move anymore at a Applebee’s (financed by the amazing people that are my parents)

8pm-11pm: Beat Teri in 2-person euchre 3 or 4 times while watching TV

I realized two things over the week.  One, it’s surprisingly gratifying to beat a 14-year-old, 4’10” girl at sports and cards.  Two, my little sister isn’t so little anymore (besides the whole 4’10” thing). Just the fact that she flew out to California by herself says a lot.  Nearly every time I interact with her these days I’m amazed that she has almost become a real person.  Almost.

best of craigslist : The Streaker Tripper - m4w

best of craigslist : The Streaker Tripper - m4w

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Great Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comic today...

Why did I pay for a college education?

So basically there's no reason to pay for an education anymore, as the good people at Lifehacker show us with the link below. Whatever, it was worth it for being in the Glee Club and going to the football games.

Lifehacker - Top 10 Tools for a Free Online Education

SBRT Day 23-27: Palm Desert, CA

Palm Desert is about 5 miles from Palm Springs.  How they get any business in Palm Desert when the much more enticing-sounding Palm Springs is right next door is beyond me.  I don’t even know why they put ‘desert’ in the name of their resort city.  Geographically correct, but not great marketing.  Anyway, it worked on us.

So Steve’s little sister is going to come hang with him for a week, while I hang with my brother and my LA friends.  To facilitate this, Steve’s parents rent a 2 BR timeshare in Palm Desert for the two of them.  However, the reservation periods don’t sync up with Steve’s little sister’s spring break, so basically I get to hang at the timeshare until she flies in on Friday.  Steve golfs and plays tennis, I lay around and go swimming in the pool; we’re in overlapping but strikingly different heavens.  We go on a hike on our last day, and it’s quite desert-y.  If you’re looking for a good hike, I recommend Boulder over Palm Desert, easy. 

When Steve drives to LA, trading me for his little sister, I’m certain that he’s happy with the trade, and I’m ready to get back to the cyclical adventure of drinking, recovering, and getting prettied up to go drink again.

SBRT Day 21-23: Orange County, CA

When we head into the LA area, we know we’re in for some drama.  First off, LA is probably the drama capitol of the world—both in terms of onscreen acting and real life girls that love making something out of nothing.  On top of that, both Steve and I have a…history with the girl that we’re staying with.  So when we arrive and she immediately warns us that the night will be filled with drama, we’re not surprised.  Diane, you are the queen of drama.  We kill a 20 pack at a friend’s BBQ then head out to a bar called the Blue Beet, and the night lives up to its expectations.  I’m really not ready to go into the specifics, but its another fun one for when we speak in person. 

The next day, Steve and I drive up to the Paramount Studios lot to visit my brother Trav who is working on-set at American Idol.  We get to walk around a little, but Trav is nervous about his multiple bosses getting pissy, so we stealthily make our way out.  On the way back to the OC, we stop for dinner with Steve’s old roommate for dinner in my old stomping grounds of Hermosa Beach.  As we wait for our pizza at the Hermosa Beach Pier, a teenage girl offers to make out with us for 75 cents.  I don’t miss Hermosa Beach too much.  We head to an Irish pub with too-loud live music and sit outside sipping beers, and I catch up with a college friend who I find out is working as a singer and making her first album!  In LA, everybody is famous.  Well, all my friends anyway.

SBRT Day 19-21: Las Vegas, NV

Vegas, baby, Vegas!  The drive from Parshall to Vegas takes 13 hours and results in a mile difference in elevation and about 50 degrees difference in temperature.  On our way to our friend Sarah’s place, we pick up a couple Little Caesar’s pizzas, which Steve has been pining for the whole trip.  We stay in that night, eating pizza and playing drinking Jenga, which for the drinking layman is normal Jenga with things to do written on each block, usually having to do with drinking. This version was made specifically harsh by Sarah’s friend, having blocks like “Give 20 Drinks”.  Sarah had a tough time getting up for work the next morning. 

While she worked, we hit the casinos.  After a few poker rooms with waiting lists, Steve sits down for some Texas Hold ‘Em at Planet Hollywood.  After getting up about $40, he goes all-in pre-flop with pocket Aces.  The other guy calls with pocket Jacks, and wins with a Jack on the turn.  Steve is downtrodden, but we get some Chinese which seems to help. 

We hit some penny video poker, enjoying a few free drinks, until Sarah gets out of work.  Then we go to one of the shadier casinos, Casino Royale, because we want to play Craps, and they have the lowest minimum buy-in tables at $3.  Steve shows us how to play, and I jump in after a few rolls.  We waver around our initial investments for a while, waiting for our turn to roll the dice before we go grab some dinner.  Steve gets the dice first and goes on a TEAR.  I make about $50 on the rolls that he makes.  Then when it’s my turn I do alright as well, and we walk away from the table about $100 richer between the two of us.  Riding high from our big wins, we meet Sarah’s friend Marisol at another casino by Sarah’s apartment.  We spend the rest of the night playing cheap video poker and getting free drinks.  Vegas is sweet. 

Now we’re blazing across the desert to a barbeque at Diane’s friend's place on the south side of LA.  At this point we’ve driven more than 4500 miles, and we’re finally going to be able to say we have driven across the country.  Exciting stuff.

YouTube - Extreme Sheep LED Art

SBRT Day 17-19: Parshall, CO

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SBRT Day 15-17: Boulder, CO

I don’t know about you, but when I drive to the “Mile High City” of Denver, I have certain expectations.  I expect there to be mountains, or at the very least hills.  The reality, however, is just flat flat flat flat BAM! mountains.  And the BAM doesn’t actually happen until the far side of Denver—apparently you get to the mile-high altitude very gradually throughout Kansas and the east side of Colorado.  Weak. 

Luckily, we are staying in Boulder, which is on the west side of Denver and a little more nestled into the foothills of the Rockies.  Our host is our college friend Casey, who is working as an engineer and living with her aunt to save money.  As we sit down to a few margaritas in the rooftop seating of a Mexican joint with a beautiful view of the mountains, she talks shop about dimensions of satellites and frustrations about thermodynamic thresholds.  Steve and I are very impressed and have the all too familiar feeling that Industrial and Operations Engineers experience of not being real engineers.  After dinner, she describes in impressive detail all the bars in the area and their strengths and weaknesses.  She’s been keeping up her collegiate lifestyle well.

The next day Steve and I hit the Coors factory.  I avoid the term “brewery” because to me a brewery is much less mechanical and much more experimental.  Everything is industrialized, with mechanical assembly lines constantly outputting 30 packs and kegs at blazing speed.  The free tour only takes us around about 2% of the gigantic campus of buildings, but it ended with 3 free beers.  They know where our priorities lie.  Afterward we meet Casey and a few of her Boulder friends for happy hour beer and tapas.  They’re weird and fun, and they’re nerdy in ways that complement our nerdiness.  When we figure we’ve offended the high class people around us with our crass and loud jokes, we head to Casey’s friend Scott’s apartment.  His roommates are brewing beer, which is cool to watch, and we play drinking Chutes & Ladders.  Why is it so great to bastardize all of our childhood activities by making drinking games out of them? 

On our final day in Boulder we figure we should take advantage of the mountainous landscape and go on a hike.  We decide to do the classic man thing of pretending that we’ve got experience and trying a tough hike, when in fact we each have more fingers than hiking experiences.  We definitely feel the altitude—breathing gets tough before we even get into the foothills.  Quickly we discover the strategy of taking frequent breaks to catch our breath and look at the view, and the hike is a great time from there on up.  Afterward the park ranger tells us that we hiked about 1/3 of a mile towards the sun.  We’re proud of ourselves.  Back at Casey’s, we grill a few burgers and ears of corn while she bakes cookies.  We hit the road with full bellies and two tupperware containers of deliciousness. 

SBRT Day 13-15: St. Louis & Kansas City, MO

Since we did want to be like Kerouak in spirit but not so much in sleeping conditions, we immediately started contacting people between Charlotte and Kansas City asking if we could crash with them.  We ended up staying with Steve’s dad’s poker buddy Andi, who is married with two kids living in St. Louis.  In the morning Steve owned their trash talking 7 year old in a racing game and we headed off to the Big Dance.

The game was held at the Sprint Center in KC, which looks like a big reflective doughnut.  Our ticket included two games, in the following order: 10 Maryland vs. 2 Memphis and 10 Michigan vs. 2 Oklahoma.  For those of you unfamiliar with seeding, that means that Memphis and Oklahoma are big favorites to win.  After Maryland got the crap beat out of it, it was our chance to beat the odds.  A few Maize-clad ladies sat down in front of us, and Steve & I joined up with them to try to infiltrate the Michigan fan section in the lower level of the stadium.  The ladies got to stay, we got kicked out.  About 8 minutes into the game we tried again but again failed.  Eventually we went back to our section that had a few Michigan fans, a few more Oklahoma fans, and a bunch of people that had stuck around from the Memphis game and didn’t really give a shit either way.  We were loud.  It was great.  Since some of you may not have seen the game, I will painfully write out the words: we lost.  Steve & I dejectedly drove to a hotel on the west side of town and looked on the bright side with a dip in the hotel hot tub.